I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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