Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
