If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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