I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
