It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
