He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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