I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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