I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
