I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
