:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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