the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
