I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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