I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
