On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
