i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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