Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
