Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
