You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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