ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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