Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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