we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
