I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
