ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
