Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
