Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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