3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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