i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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