I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
