So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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