How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
There's even glitter on my cock...
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