Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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