I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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