New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Randomize
