There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
