I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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