When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
