Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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