so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
