I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Randomize
