he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
