Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
