So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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