apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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