i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
