I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
We're using joints as your birthday candles
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
