Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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