best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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