guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
