i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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