if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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