Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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