She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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