her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
