I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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