I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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