Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm like, not good at living.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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