my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
this is an emotional support booty call
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
