she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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